genz: THE BOY WHO WASN'T UNALIVED

real: THE BOY WHO LIVED


genz: Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, liked flexing that they were very basic, thank u.

real: Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.


genz: Tbh they were the last people you'd think would be sus, because they were all fax no printer.

real: They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.


genz: Mr. Dursley was adulting at a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

real: Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.


genz: He was a dummy thiccc (w/ three Cs) man with hardly any neck, although he had an absolute unit of a mustache.

real: He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache.


genz: Mrs. Dursley was a total Karen with zero chill and had hella neck, which came in very useful when she was stalking her neighbours and not minding her own.

real: Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.


genz: The Dursleys had a future incel of a son named Dudley who they thought was the main character.

real: The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.


genz: The Dursleys were mostly thriving, but they also had lowkey tea which didn't pass the vibe check and their greatest fear was to get called out and cancelled.

real: The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.


genz: They were girlbossing too close to the sun and didn't think their clout could bounce back if their fam, the Potters, were revealed.

real: They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.


genz: Milf Lily Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sis, but Mrs. D had gone ghost; irl (no cap) Mrs. D fronted she didn't have a sis, because Lil and her deadbeat mans were straight up cringe.

real: Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.


genz: If the neighbors ever peeped the Potters, it'd be a big yikes.

real: The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.


genz: Lowkey the Dursleys knew the Potters had their own crotch goblin, too, but they'd never peeped.

real: The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him.


genz: This bb was fr a solid reason 2 keep the in-laws yote; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a gross being like that.

real: This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.


genz: When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray (fight me) Tuesday our lore opens, the cloudy overlay didnt vibe like strange and mysterious things would be happening all over the country.

real: When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.


genz: Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley spilled the tea as she was tryna put a screaming Dudley into his heckin high chair.

real: Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair.


genz: None of them noticed a chonky, tawny owl flutter past the window.

real: None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.


genz: At half past eight, the chonklord that is Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed, because Dudley was losing it and yeeted his cereal at the walls.

real: At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.


genz: "Little Lad" chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house.

real: "Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house.


genz: He got into his whip and backed out into the driveway of their basic asf house.

real: He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.


genz: It was on that one edge of the street that you feel like you could accidentally hit the elbow of your car on that he noticed something sus --a cat popping off and reading a map.

real: It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar -- a cat reading a map.


genz: For a sec, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he'd seen--then he jerked his head around to look again.

real: For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen -- then he jerked his head around to look again.


genz: There was a chonking tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight.

real: There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight.


genz: What could he have been thinking of?

real: What could he have been thinking of?


genz: He must have accidentally picked up one of Mrs. Dursley's edibles that morning.

real: It must have been a trick of the light.


genz: Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the chonking cat.

real: Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat.


genz: As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the chonkers in his mirror.

real: As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror.


genz: It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive--no, _looking_ at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs. Periodt.

real: It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive -- no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.


genz: Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the chonkers out of his thinking-organ.

real: Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind.


genz: As he drove toward the town he had no thonks, head empty, except for some drills he had to sell. Let's get this L O A F_, he thought.

real: As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.


genz: But on the edge of town, drills were yeeted out of his mind by something else.

real: But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.


genz: As he sat in the morning traffic jam starterpack, he couldn’t help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of not-very-shady-at-all people about.

real: As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about.


genz: People in cloaks. No cap.

real: People in cloaks.


genz: Mr. Dursley couldn’t bear people who dressed in cheugy clothes — the getups you saw on young people!

real: Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes -- the getups you saw on young people!


genz: He supposed this was some stupid new fashion.


genz: He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by.


genz: They were whispering excitedly together.


genz: Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren’t young at all; why, that man had to be a boomer, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!

real: Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!


genz: But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt (a tiktok probs) — these people were obviously collecting for something… yes, that would be it.

real: But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt -- these people were obviously collecting for something... yes, that would be it.


genz: The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills.


genz: Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.


genz: If he hadn’t, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning.

real: If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning.


genz: He didn’t see the owls popping off in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed deceased as owl after owl sped overhead.

real: He didn't see the owls swoop ing past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open- mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.


genz: Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime.


genz: Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning.


genz: He had no chill and yelled at five different people.

real: He yelled at five different people.


genz: He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more.


genz: He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he’d stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.

real: He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.


genz: He’d forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the Starbucks.

real: He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's.


genz: He took a beeg look at them with unhappy as he passed.

real: He eyed them angrily as he passed.


genz: He didn’t know why, but they seemed kinda sus.

real: He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy.


genz: This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn’t see a single GoFundMe donation tin.

real: This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin.


genz: It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.


genz:
"The Potters, that’s right, that’s what I heard —"
" — bet, their boi, Harry —"

real:
"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard yes, their son, Harry"
Mr. Dursley stopped dead.


genz: Mr Dursley felt like he'd been ratioed irl.

real: Fear flooded him.


genz: He looked back at the whisperers and wondered if he should @ them, but thought better of it.

real: He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.


genz: Even a girlboss has his weak moments... and anyway, there were plenty of people called Potter with moots called Harry.

real: He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache, thinking… no, he was being stupid. Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.


genz: There was no point in worrying his discord kitten-her sister was on both their DNI lists.

real: There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her -- if he'd had a sister like that... but all the same, those people in cloaks...


genz: During that day, emo thoughts kept dabbing across Mr Dursley's mind. He later left the building and nearly sister slammed into someone just outside his door.

real: He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door.


genz: "Naurrr," he grunted, as the man nearly fell.

real: "Sorry," he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.


genz: However, he didn't seem triggered at all- instead, the funky little dude pressed the slay button.

real: He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.


genz: "So true, bestie!

real: Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last!


genz: Even Muggles like u should slayy today, when The Sussiest Of Bakas has been canceled at last!"

real: Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"


genz: And then the old man hugged Mr Dursley (real) and headed off.

real: And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off.


genz: Mr Dursley couldn't even find it in him to yeah fortnite 10k we're about to go down babey.

real: Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. He was rattled.


genz: He hurried to his car and The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift—ed straight home.

real: He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.


genz: As he pulled into the driveway the first thing he sister saw was the same chonk cat he'd seen in the morning, sitting on the wall.

real: As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw -- and it didn't improve his mood -- was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes.


genz: "POV: You're on my DNI list," Mr Dursley spat at the cat as he walked inside.

real: "Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly. The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look. Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.


genz: His bae's day was swag asf.

real: Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day.


genz: Dudley had learned to say "Naur" ("Just like his bestie!” cooed Mrs Dursley).

real: She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't!").


genz: When his fav oomf finally went afk, Mr Dursley went to the living room to watch sum news: "Last thing: birders everywhere are fighting for their lives right now. Them hooters hunt at night and avoid sunlight like nerds, but for some reason they've been invading our skies since sunrise. The science isn't science-ing.”

real: Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news: "And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern.”


genz: The newscaster smirked.

real: The newscaster allowed himself a grin.


genz: Now, Jim McGuffin, what that weather do, boyyyy?

real: And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather.


genz:
Anymore owl showers tonight?"
"Say less, Ted," said the weatherman, "Tbh, idk, but the birbs aren’t the only weird today.

real:
Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?"
"Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today.


genz: Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been tweeting that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, the sky is having shooting stars!

real: Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!


genz: Maybe they're celebrating Bonfire Night early.

real: Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early -- it's not until next week, folks!


genz: It will actually rain tonight though, but it’s about to be raining hands if mfs don’t stop calling about these damn birds.

real: But I can promise a wet night tonight.


genz: Mr. Dursley 404 error-ed in his armchair.

real: Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.


genz: Shooting stars?

real: Shooting stars all over Britain?


genz: Owls waking up and choosing violence?

real: Owls flying by daylight?


genz: Sus boomers dressed in renfaire outfits?

real: Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place?


genz:
And spilling tea bout the Potters...
Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea.

real:
And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...
Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea.


genz: He’d have to say something to her.

real: He'd have to say something to her.


genz: He cleared his throat nervously.

real: He cleared his throat nervously.


genz:
"Er – Petunia, dear – you haven’t heard from your sis of late, maybe?"
As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked like she ate a lemon.

real:
"Er -- Petunia, dear -- you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"
As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry.


genz: After all, they ghosted her sis.

real: After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.


genz: "No," she said sharply.

real: "No," she said sharply.


genz:
"Why?"
"Cringey crap on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled.

real:
"Why?"
"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled.


genz:
"Owls... shooting stars... and there were a lot of edgelords in town today..."
"And?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.

real:
"Owls... shooting stars... and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today..."
"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.


genz: "Well, I just thought... maybe... it was something to do with … you know...her crew. “ Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.

real: "Well, I just thought...maybe...it was something to do with…you know...her crowd.“ Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.


genz: Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her that he’d heard the name "Potter."

real: Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter."


genz: He decided he didn’t dare.

real: He decided he didn't dare.


genz: Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their crotch goblin – he’d be about Dudley’s age now, wouldn’t he?"

real: Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son -- he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"


genz: "Bet," huffed Mrs. Dursley.

real: "I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.


genz: "What’s his name again? Howard, isn’t it?"

real: "What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"


genz: “Harry. Nasty, cringe name, if you ask me.”

real: “Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me.”


genz: "Oh, yeah," Mr. Dursley’s feels felt punched.

real: "Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly.


genz: He decided to stfu as they finna upstairs to catch some z’s.

real: He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.


genz: While Mrs. Dursley took off her face, Mr. Dursley lurked in the bedroom window overlooking the front garden.

real: While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden.


genz: The floof was still there.

real: The cat was still there.


genz: It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.


genz: Was he imagining things?

real: Was he imagining things?


genz: Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?


genz: If it did... if it got out that they were related to a pair of – they would totes be cancelled.

real: If it did... if it got out that they were related to a pair of -- well, he didn't think he could bear it.


genz: The Dursleys got into bed.

real: The Dursleys got into bed.


genz: Mrs. Dursley crashed but Mr. Dursley couldn’t shake the intrusive thoughts.

real: Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind.


genz: Finally he comforted himself that if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to invade the Dursley’s space.

real: His last, comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley.


genz: The Potters knew very well that he and his bae thought they were cringe and wanted nothing to do with their shenanigans...

real: The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind....


genz: He couldn’t see how they could get all up in his business. They were probs safe and outta the way.

real: He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on -- he yawned and turned over -- it couldn't affect them....


genz: Mr. Dursley was drifting off uneasily, but the floof outside was on high alert.

real: Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness.


genz: Like a fuzzy statue with penetrating eyes, it stared unblinking at the far corner of Privet Drive.

real: It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.


genz: It showed superb chill as the world happened around it.

real: It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.


genz: An ancient man appeared on the corner the cat had been protec on Privet Drive.

real: A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive.


genz: He was tall, thin, and very old with a boss beard long enough to tuck into his belt.

real: He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.


genz: He was slaying in his long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots.

real: He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots.


genz: His blu eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his honker was long and crooked as though he had been punched in the face before.

real: His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.


genz: This ya boi, Albus Dumbledore.

real: This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.


genz: Albus Dumbledore was super chill about the fact that he wasn’t wanted on this street.

real: Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.


genz: He was busy doing a self body cavity search until he felt the gaze of the catto.

real: He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something.


real:
But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street.
For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.
He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known.”


genz: He found his query, a silver cigarette lighter, flicked it open and clicked it.

real: He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it.


genz: RIP the nearest street lamp.

real: The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop.


genz: Ya boi got click happy and plunged the street into darkness.

real: He clicked it again -- the next lamp flickered into darkness.


real: Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights left on the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.


genz: Now the nosy Nancy neighbors could see nothing on the block.

real: If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.


genz: The old man waltzed down the street to chill with the cat.

real: Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.


genz: "Sup, Prof McGonagall?"

real: "Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.”


genz: He turned to smile at the tabby who was now a human with the air of a CEO serious business woman. She be wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings on the cat.

real: He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes.


genz: Her lewk was on fleek with an emerald green cloak and black hair in a tight bun.

real: She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun.


genz: "How did you know it was me?” she asked.


genz: "Prof, cat’s don’t look like they planking.”

real: "My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly.”


genz: "Brick walls aren’t comfy.”

real: "You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.


genz: "Y u no party? There are like a dozen dank bangers I passed getting here.”

real: "All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here.”


genz: Prof McGonagall sniffed angrily.

real: Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.


genz: “Oh yes, everyone’s celebrating all right. High-key Muggles noticed. It was on their idiot box. Flocks of birbs... shooting stars… Muggles have eyes. Shooting stars down in Kent – bet that was Dedalus Diggle. Smooth brain”

real:
"Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently.
“You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no -- even the Muggles have noticed something's going on.
It was on their news."
She jerked her head back at the Dursleys' dark living-room window.
"I heard it. Flocks of owls... shooting stars….Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something.
Shooting stars down in Kent -- I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle.
He never had much sense.”


genz: "You can’t blame them," Dumbledore cooed. "This bull has been like 2020 for eleven years.”

real: "You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years.”


genz: "Bet," said Prof McG irritably.

real: "I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably.


genz: "But that’s no reason to lose our chill. People be like herp derp, strutting like peacocks in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle swag, sipping tea.”

real: "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors.”


genz: She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn’t so she went on.

real: She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on.


genz: "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who kicked rocks, the Muggles found out about us all. Did we really take a W?"

real: "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day YouKnow-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"


genz: "Bet," said Dumbledore.

real: "It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore.


genz: "We have so much to be thankful for.

real: "We have much to be thankful for.


genz:
Wanna lemon drop?"
"WTF?"
"A lemon drop. Muggle candy that is dank.

real:
Would you care for a lemon drop?"
"A what?"
"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of"


genz: "Nope," Prof McG initiated ice queen mode.

real: "No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.


genz: "Even if You-Know-Who has stepped off-"

real: "As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone -"


genz: "Girl, names are a thing. That trash is called Voldemort."

real: "My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You- Know-Who' nonsense -- for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort."


genz: Prof McG flinched but homeboi was unsticking lemon drops and gave no fucks.

real: Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice.


genz: "Chillax, it’s just a name.”

real: "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying ‘You-Know-Who.' I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name.”


genz: "Bet," Prof McG was exasperated but eyeing Dumbldore like a snacc.

real: "I know you haven 't, said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring.


genz: "But you’re the only one who could make Voldemort salty.”

real: "But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of.”


genz: "Flattery will get you everywhere. Voldemort did have moves, though.” Dumbledore said calmly.

real: "You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have.”


genz: "Fr you do, too, but you don’t flex."

real: "Only because you're too -- well -- noble to use them.”


genz: "You make me blush.”

real: "It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.”


genz: Prof McG shot Dumbledore a sharp look and said, "The birbs are nothing next to this tea they be sipping. Legit what they say has me shook.”

real: Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, "The owls are nothing next to the rumors that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"


genz: Prof McG had obvi got to the tea she was most hyped to spill, the real reason she had been vibing on a cold, hard wall all day, for neither as a floof nor as a woman had she looked as high-key invested as she did now.

real: It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold, hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she did now.


genz: It was obvi that whatever "everyone" was saying, she wasn't gonna buy it until Dumbledore told her there was no cap.

real: It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true.


genz: Homeboi, however, was choosing another lemon drop and didn’t answer.

real: Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.


genz:
"What they’re _saying_," she pressed on, " is that last night Voldemort spawned in Godric’s Hollow. He went to find the Potters.
And that he unalived Lily and James Potter!"

real:
"What they're saying," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters.
The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are -- are -- that they're -- dead.”


genz: Dumbledore sadded.

real: Dumbledore bowed his head.


genz: Prof McG gasped.

real: Professor McGonagall gasped.


genz: "Lily and James...What the heck... I can't even...Oh, Albus..."

real: "Lily and James...I can't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...Oh, Albus..."


genz: Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder.


genz: "I’m shook, too.”

real: “I know..." he said heavily.


genz: Professor McGonagall’s voice was shook as she went on.

real: Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on.


genz: "That’s not all. They are saying he tried to unalive their son, Harry Potter, but he took an L and his power broke – and that’s why he’s gone."

real:
"That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry.
But -- he couldn’t. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke -- and that's why he's gone.”


genz: Dumbledore noddled glumly.

real: Dumbledore nodded glumly.


genz: "Legit?" faltered Professor McGonagall.

real: "It's -- it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall.


genz: "After all he’s done, he failed to unalive a babin and shm how did Harry survive?"

real: "After all he's done... all the people he's killed… he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him... but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?”


genz: "We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know.”

real: "We can only guess," said Dumbledore. “We may never know.”


genz: Prof McG wiped her eyes and got out her hand sanitizer.

real: Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles.


genz: Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a bussin' watch from his pocket and checked it.

real: Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it.


genz: It was a very sus watch.

real: It was a very odd watch.


genz: It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.


genz: It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid’s late. I bet he's the one who told you I’d be here, btw?”

real: It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?”


genz: "Bet," said Prof McG.

real: "Yes," said Professor McGonagall.


genz: "And I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me why you’re here of all places?"

real: "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"


genz: "I’ve come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They’re the only fam he has left now.”

real: "I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now.”


genz: "You don’t mean – you can’t mean these Karens?!" cried Prof McG, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four.

real: "You don't mean -- you can't mean the people who live here?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four.


genz:
"Dumbledore – you can’t. I have been watching them all day.
These basic fools aren't in the Same WhatsApp group! And their spawn – I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here?!"

real:
"Dumbledore -- you can’t. I've been watching them all day.
You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son -- I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here!"


genz: "It’s the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly.

real: "It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly.


genz: "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he’s older. I’ve written them a letter.”

real: "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter.”


genz: "A _letter_?" repeated Prof McG faintly, sitting down on the wall.

real: "A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall.


genz: "Fr, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?

real: "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?


genz: These people will never understand him!

real: These people will never understand him!


genz: He’ll be famous – legendary – I wouldn’t be shook if today was known as Harry Potter Day in the future – there will be books written about Harry – every child in our world will know his name!"

real: He'll be famous -- a legend -- I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future -- there will be books written about Harry -- every child in our world will know his name!"


genz: "Bet," said Dumbledore, looking super serious through his specs.

real: "Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses.


genz: "It would be enough to go to anyone's head. An influencer before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember!”

real: "It would be enough to turn any boy's head. Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember!


genz: “Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?”

real: “Can’t you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?”


genz: Prof McG made fish faces like she was going to say something but thought better. She composed herself then said, "Bet, ikr. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?”

real: Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, "Yes -- yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?”


genz: She eyed his cloak suddenly as though he thought he was transporting the babin.

real: She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.


genz: "Hagrid's bringing him.”

real: "Hagrid's bringing him.”


genz: "You think it big brain to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"

real: "You think it -- wise -- to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"


genz: "I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.


genz: "His heart is G.O.A.T.," said Prof McG grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not an airhead. He does tend to - what was that?”

real: "I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to -- what was that?”


genz: A vroom vroom sound broke the silence around them.

real: A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them.


genz: It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.

real: It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky -- and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.


genz: If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing compared to the beast of a man straddling it.

real: If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it.


genz: He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and had some major BDE (big dick energy).

real: He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide.


genz: His fluffy factor was a "Oh hell no" and so wild - long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of hubcaps, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins.

real: He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild - long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of trash can lids, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins.


genz: In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.


genz: "Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved.


genz: “Finally. Where'd you get the ride?"

real: "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?”


genz: "Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, gently disembarking from the bike. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I've got him, sir.”

real: "Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sit," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I've got him, sir.”


genz: "Nope - house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He took a napper as we was flyin' over Bristol.”

real: "No, sir -- house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol.”


genz: Dumbledore and Prof McG bent forward over the bundle of blankets.

real: Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets.


genz: Inside, just visible, was the babin, sleepin.

real: Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep.


genz: Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a sus af cut, shaped like a bolt of lightning.

real: Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.


genz: "Is that where-?" whispered Prof McG.

real: "Is that where -?" whispered Professor McGonagall.


genz: "Bet," said Dumbledore.

real: "Yes," said Dumbledore.


genz: "He'll have that scar forever.”

real: "He'll have that scar forever.”


genz: "Cantcha fix it, Dumbledore?"

real: "Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"


genz: "Yeah, but no.  Scars come in handy. I have one on my knee that is totes a map of the London Underground. Well - gimme, Hagrid - let's get this over with.”

real: "Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. Well -- give him here, Hagrid -- we'd better get this over with.”


genz: Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursley's house.

real: Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house.


genz: "Could I - could I say bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid.

real: "Could I -- could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid.


genz: He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.


genz: Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a noise like a wounded pupper.

real: Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.


genz: "STFU" hissed Prof McG, "you'll wake the normies!"

real: "Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"


genz: "S-s-s-sowwy," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkercheif and burying his face in it.

real: "S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it.


genz: "But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James unalived - an' an' poor lil' Harry off ter live with Muggles -"

real: "But I c-c-can't stand it -- Lily an' James dead -- an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles -"


genz: "Yeah, no, yeah, tragic, but control yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Prof McG whispered, patting Hagrid gently on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door.

real: "Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door.


genz: He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two.


genz: For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Prof McG blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.

real: For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.


genz:
"Whelp," said Dumbledore, finally, "that's that. Time to dip.
We may as well go party hearty.”

real: "Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations.”


genz: "Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "Finna give Sirius back his ride. G'night, Prof McG - Professor Dumbledore, sir.”

real: "Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back. G'night, Professor McGonagall -- Professor Dumbledore, sir.”


genz: Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.


genz: "See ya soon, G," said Dumbledore, nodding to her.

real: "I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her.


genz: Prof McG blew her nose in reply.

real: Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.


genz: Dumbledore walked off into the night.

real: Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street.


genz: On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer.


genz: He clicked it once, and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street.


genz: He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.


genz: "Gl, Harry," he murmured.

real: "Good luck, Harry," he murmured.


genz: He spun on his heel, swished his cloak, and vanished into the night.

real: He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone.


genz: A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, super basic even under the stars, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen.

real: A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen.


genz: Harry Potter cuddled up inside his blankies, sleepin soundly.

real: Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up.


genz: One smol hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley...

real: One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley...


genz: He couldn't know that at this very moment, peeps meeting in secret all over the county gettin lit and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who wasn't unalived.”

real: He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter -- the boy who lived!"